Activism Economics Environment

Truth in Advertising: Coal company takes on a radical new corporate policy. Hilarity ensues.

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Resolving their problem of simultaneously holding two contradictory positions – their responsibility to humanity vs. their commitment to their shareholders. This company has taken a leap of faith…

Tim Buckley: As a company, we have an absolute commitment to the principle of action on climate change. We’re very proud of our values.

Birgit Eichman: But as one of the major contributors to CO2 emissions, and as we begin to contend with the real-world effects of climate change, we have to prepare ourselves for the next step in addressing our corporate responsibilities in this area.

Rob Dean: While the steps on the surface seem to be in opposition to our self interest, the reality is, however, that they are actually in opposition to our self interest.

Birgit Eichman: So we’ve recognized what we call “the gap.”

Rob Dean: “The gap” is the problem of simultaneously holding two contradictory positions.

Tim Buckley: On one hand, to act on our responsibility to humanity, but on the other hand, to deliver on our commitment to superior value for our shareholders.

Rob Dean: We needed to take a leap of faith.

Birgit Eichman: An intuitive step outside of the limitations of science-based argument.

Tim Buckley: I am proud to announce the company’s new policy of “fuck you.” “Fuck you” is more than a policy. It’s a philosophy where we are able to straddle the dichotomy between what we know is true and how we can benefit by ignoring that truth.

Rob Dean: “Fuck you” means we can be passionate about our values, but not act on them.

Birgit Eichman: “Fuck you” takes what would be our present-day financial burden away from us and transforms it into a chronic, economic, social, cultural, and political crisis for future generations.

Tim Buckley: The genius of this, however, is that we transferred it away from us.

Birgit Eichman: It ensures solid returns to our shareholders by killing their grandchildren.

Rob Dean: With this policy, we delay action and leverage the gap, and are able to maintain our role as a global leader in destroying the planet.

Tim Buckley: Ultimately, this is a reflection of the values of our shareholders. Everyday Australians have chosen to invest 0 billion into the company, but we prefer to think of it as 20 billion “fuck yous” to the Australians of tomorrow.

Rob Dean: There will come a day when my moral choices will no longer be beholden to the shareholders, and a wave of profound regret and a sorrow will engulf me as I realize with painful clarity the enormity of the damage I have perpetrated upon humanity. And even if I plea with whoever has succeeded my role in the company to stop putting CO2 in the air for the sake of my daughter’s grandchildren, he or she can turn to me and simply respond with “fuck you.” And that legacy really does make me very proud.

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“Truth in Advertising: Coal company takes on a radical new corporate policy. Hilarity ensues.”